Musings of a Mommy

Matt is attempting to bring me into the technology present and be a “cool” kid and stop using those ridiculously infantile sites like www.xanga.com. Puh-lease! So, here I am. We’ll see if I actually can keep up a blog.

First and foremost, I apologize to everyone about the boring aspects of my life. I am a mother. Period. I do mommy things. I live a mommy life. I think mommy things, which pretty much means I remember nothing because I have “mommy brain” now. Anyway, I will blog about mommy things and my attempt to find myself or to figure out who I am now in this new stage of life. How do you retain an identity when your thoughts center around controversies such as cry it out vs. rocking to sleep, formula vs. breastfeeding, Huggies vs. Pampers, etc.? It is a daily struggle.

That being said…

Alexis is teething. She has two bottom teeth but now the top teeth are coming in. And, she has decided to stop sleeping through the night. Now, there are many theories on why she has stopped sleeping through the night but really – are they important? The important thing is me, standing outside her room at 4 am, trying to decide whether to listen to her scream in a bloody rage for a minute or to rock for 20 minutes in calmness. Lately, I’ve been listening to her scream. Now, once she does go back to sleep, I lay in bed for an additional 15 minutes pondering the longterm affects this method is going to have on her. I watch her during the day, watching for increased separation anxiety, anxiety in general, nervousness, mood swings, anything that would suggest an emotional imbalance that I could be causing because I am desperate to get my sleep. Is my selfishness going to harm my child in the long run? The heaviness of motherly guilt is almost unbearable. Am I ruining her emotional development? The doctor told us it was okay but really, do doctors know everything? Is she laying bed, wondering why her mommy isn’t coming to get her? Is it fostering independence or growing distrust? Or do I just think too much?

People preach about prenatal care. You go to the doctor constantly when you’re pregnant, you read books upon books, you worry, you get ultrasounds, you get tons of advice and then they hand you this perfect, unblemished being that is yours. It is your responsibility to care for it, to love it, to help it grow and flourish. But, the constant guilt and worry that comes along with that responsibility isn’t talked about enough. The mothers in my playgroup and I must have a thousand conversations a week just getting opinions, “he won’t eat, what do you do…what diapers do you use…she won’t try table food, what did you do….how much does he weigh…what class do you have her in…how much does she sleep…does he still take two naps…how many ounces of formula does she drink a day…when did she start to crawl…when did he start to walk…” The questions and worries are endless. Are we doing it “right?” What is “right?” Who decides what is “right?”

Are there really any answers?

This entry was posted on Friday, May 4th, 2007 at 9:57 am and is filed under parenting. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.