Musings of a Mommy

Matt’s dad passed on last Tuesday.

Death is a scary thing. It’s the unknown, the fact that life is something so fragile and something we all take for granted. Life can be gone in a second. Death is imminent, we all know that, but we all think that we will live a long and fulfilled life and when it is our time, we will be ready. That’s not always the case. It’s scary.

Matt and his family are devastated. Such an unexpected and tragic week.

The bright spot is that Matt and I are reminded once again how fortunate we are in life. We have our health, we have two beautiful, healthy girls, a wonderful family and amazing friends. The offers have been pouring in, everything from food to flowers to babysitting to housesitting. Matt’s work has been amazing, too. His coworkers are putting in extra effort to cover for him so he doesn’t have to worry about that. And, that, in itself is a gift for him. There are people I haven’t talked to in years texting, emailing, messaging, calling – asking what can they do and to express their condolences. And, it’s amazing. And it means so much.

And as I tell everyone, there’s nothing really to do right now. There aren’t really any arrangements yet. Rick is being cremated so the family doesn’t have a time constraint to work within. They can grieve and choose to do whatever they feel is appropriate and perfect.

On my end, there’s nothing I can do right now. I hurt that I can’t be with my husband during this time. I’m ready for him to come home so I can give him a hug and see him. He left abruptly to go see him dad who was sick in the hospital and is coming home from a battle that was lost. He’ll be changed forever. He’s not the type to be emotional and I don’t think I’ve ever really seen him cry. I don’t know if he’ll come home needing an ear to talk or a shoulder to cry on or if he’ll come home talked and cried out. I just don’t know.

I am exhausted. Not only am I not grieving yet because it just doesn’t feel real but I’m unable to even really think or process it. I have so much respect for single parents. I seem to only be able to think about the next hour – feed Audrey, dress Lexie, shower, change Audrey’s diaper, breakfast, backpack…and on it goes until the chaotic times of bedtime and finally I can relax once both girls are asleep. But then my anxiety starts. I hate hate hate staying by myself. Every sound is magnified and I never really get into a deep sleep.

Thankfully Matt is coming home tomorrow. Lexie has been distraught missing her daddy and I need Matt home. I miss him so much.

This entry was posted on Thursday, October 8th, 2009 at 10:43 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.