Musings of a Mommy

So I just spent an hour cleaning out my closet and dresser. I got rid of a ton of clothes and threw away some old stuff. I think that when my life becomes hectic or stressful, I start organizing and throwing things away. I have some bullshit drama going on in my life right now that I’d rather not discuss on an open blog. If you know me, you can ask or you probably know. Plus, I’m way stressed out about Lexie’s lack of speech. I have yet to hear my baby use the word “mama” correctly.  Every time I think about it, I cry. I’ve always wanted to be a mom – as long as I can remember. I really think I went to college and got a degree in Early Childhood just so I could use it when I became a mom. I have spent so many years dreaming about the time that I would hear my child call me “mama” or say “i love you.” And then I got pregnant and those dreams became even stronger. And then my beautiful daughter was born and I couldn’t wait until I would finally hear someone look at me and say “mama.” And now I’ve waited 19 months and still no mama. I know I shouldn’t complain because God knows, there are people with so many worse problems and issues with their children. I’m so lucky and thankful that my child is healthy and happy. But, it’s just so damn discouraging.

Lately, I’ve just felt like a big fat slob. That’s pretty much the only way to describe it. I need to be going to the gym. That helps. I need to be up cleaning my house or outside. Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe the weather is just affecting me too much. Maybe I have SAD (seasonal affective disorder). I feel like I need some time away. I would love to take a couple of days and go to Gatlinburg. Be in the moutains…

I think one of my biggest problems is that I’m so homesick for the Domain. Any Domainer knows the feeling – you breathe the air and it smells like the moutaintop, you see a shooting star and you’re transported back to lying on the hillside during a dance. You eat cheesy spaghetti and your mouth starts to water for Rita’s food. We went to convention last weekend and saw a bunch of people from the diocese. We got to see some people we never see and I think that made my homesickness even worse. I miss the connectedness I had with people. I miss the feeling of belonging and love and acceptance and faith and so many more things. I think one of the big ones is Faith and belonging.

We’ve been trying to go to church but I have never found a church that I feel a part of. Hillie mentioned that the Domain is her church and I kind of feel like that. To get all poetry like – At the Domain, the wind becomes my choir, the sun is my priest, and the trees are the congregation. I have never felt closer to God than sitting in the Mary Magdelene garden behind the Cathedral. I wish I could find that at home. Or, not even that. I think that’s a special kind of Faith. I wish I could find a piece of that feeling here.

This post is kind of down. I apologize for that. Hopefully the sun will shine soon and I will feel positive.