Musings of a Mommy

So lately Lexie has become my big helper, especially since Audrey came along. She takes items and puts them in the respective rooms (like Audrey’s blankets go to our room to her bassinet), she helps me clean, and she helps me make grocery lists.

Last week I was talking out loud and said, “Lexie, what do we need from the grocery store?” And shockingly, she listened to me and replied, “Goldfish.” Well she was right. She was out of goldfish so that went on the list. I mused out loud, “Anything else?” and she opened the pantry, held up my spaghetti holder and said, “We need this.” And lo and behold, it was empty. And I had forgotten we were out. Thanks Lex! Too bad she sucks to take to the grocery. That’s where I could really use some help.

So Lexie is really shy in big crowds. Like, paralyzed with fear and only able to mutter the same thing over and over, “It’s not scary. I not scared. Mommy’s here. It’s just Mimi (or Leslie, or Daddy, or Papaw, or Ms. Miller, etc.).” over and over and over. It’s heartbreaking. Even when we go to a family function with people she sees multiple times a year and knows really well, she stops at the door and doesn’t want to go in. At school, every morning, she stops at the door and won’t go in without lots of nudging. At the doctor’s office, she stopped this morning and wouldn’t go into the door and it was just because there was a crowd there. (And, when we left, after she got her flu mist without tears, she didn’t want to leave the office. She threw the biggest tantrum when I told her we had to leave. What kid doesn’t want to leave the doctor’s office?? That’s just wrong. You cry when you go into the office, not when you leave. You happily skip out of the office. *sigh* But, I’m completely off subject.)

Anyway, I don’t know what to do with her. Matt and I are both outgoing people. We talk to new people and as kids we were both really outgoing. We don’t know what to do with a shy child. I just hope the older she gets, the better she handles crowds.

And, totally off subject, I just ate some Lays Potato Chips. They actually have a label that says, “Still made with all natural oil.” That means they’re healthy, right? And I can eat more? Thanks, that’s what I thought too.

It really is 5:40 and I’m blogging. I’ve been awake since 4:30. No one else is the house is awake and I can’t sleep. This is not going to be a good day. 

One of the cats woke me up at 4:30 (I hate our cats.) and I couldn’t get back to sleep. I was so hungry that I couldn’t sleep. Plus, I started thinking about Lexie’s (lack of) potty training and that didn’t help me relax enough to go back to sleep. 

So I’m sitting on the couch, watching Roseanne (there’s really nothing on TV at this time), eating Captain Crunch (healthy healthy!) and drinking orange juice straight from the carton. Classy, huh? I’m dreading when Lexie gets up because my day will then start and it’s going to be a rough one, with getting up in the middle of the night.

Matt’s okay. The incision in his belly button (where they repaired his umbilical hernia) is giving him a lot of pain. He’s been unable to do much around the house – he can’t bend over, pick anything heavy up, hold Lexie…Did I mention I’m exhausted?  And it’s only been 5 days? I’m getting up with her in the mornings, watching her all day, putting her down for her naps, doing bathtimes, and putting her down at night. If she wakes up in the middle of the night, I’m there. If one of the cats feels the need to go outside in the middle of the night (hate hate hate them), I’m the one up. I’m the one lifting everything, doing all the housework, cooking…I’m really tired. Okay, my pity party is over. 

So the other reason I couldn’t sleep tonight is because I started thinking of the lack of potty training going on at our house. When we registered Lexie for preschool, I wasn’t concerned. There was 7 months until she started. Plenty of time to potty train. Fast forward 3 months and there is no progress. None. She still will not, under any circumstances, use the potty. If she would just go occasionally in the potty, I think I would have more hope but she won’t. We’ve done a couple of “naked afternoons” where I let her run around without a diaper or underwear on and encourage her to potty. She will go without using the bathroom for 3 hours or so. She just holds it. She’ll sit on the potty, run around, play, sit some more but nothing in the potty. I’m so frustrated. And, I’m starting to panic. 

I see our registration fee floating out the window every day that passes by without any progress. I foresee my mad scramble trying to find another preschool (with another registration fee) that she can go to in diapers. Or, I see Lexie not going to preschool at all in the fall because she’s not potty trained. It is explicitly written out in the contract with Good Shepherd that the child has to be potty trained, and potty trained well,  to attend preschool. They’re not going to make allowances for me. 

I am so frustrated I want to scream. Lexie shows every readiness sign to start training. She understands the concept of a reward. She just won’t go in the potty. She’s not scared. She’ll sit on the big potty and little potty without incident. She is fascinated when I go to the bathroom (when do I get my privacy back?) and can give a play by play of what happens. She role plays with her dolls and stuffed animals with potty training them. I just don’t understand why she won’t go in the potty. 

I see no improvements with potty training and now we’re down to 4 months. 4 months for her to be completely potty trained with little to no accidents. I just don’t know if it’s going to happen. And, I know, I know…it will happen when “she’s ready” and “don’t push it” but that’s easy for other people to say. They’re not on our time table. We have a baby entering this house 6 weeks before Lexie starts preschool. That’s going to be enough upheaval for her. 

I’m just at a loss of what to do. And I’m so frustrated.

And now, of course, I’m getting tired, just in time for Lexie to be awake in an hour or less. 

I hope the day improves.

So I took some time (about 2 1/2 hours) last night and today to download the pictures, upload them to Flickr, and title them. So I’m ready to showcase our life in pictures since January…

Ice Storm

My favorite picture from playing in the snow.

Our Activities During The Ice Storm:

Playing with every toy in the house.

Baking Cookies (and eating Oreos)

Taking Hour Long Baths With Tons Of Toys

And Attempting French Braids and Giving Up A Third Of The Way Down

 In February, Lexie took it upon herself to fix another bowl of cereal. (And yes, she still insists on eating that nasty infant cereal in the mornings, much to our dismay. Oh well, at least it’s nutritious…)

And in March, we enjoyed the few warm days with playground and outside time.

And, so far in April, we’ve been celebrating Easter with dyeing Easter eggs and visiting the Easter Bunny. I don’t have any pics of Lexie dyeing Easter eggs since I was too busy enjoying the activity myself….However, Lexie did enjoy spending soem time with her friend, Leslie’s, little sister Lucy. I’m hoping it’s good practice for when her little sister arrives!

We’ve all been busy, of course. We’ve taken Lexie to Keeneland once this meet (she loves it!) and we’re going tomorrow morning for some kid activities and to see the horses! Easter will bring a cute dress and some family time at Mimi and Papaw’s house.

Matt, unfortunately, has to have his gall bladder removed next Tuesday. The surgery is at 6 am (ouch) so we’ll be up bright and early for that. Thankfully Mimi is keeping Lexie so that’s one less worry.

I have my glucose test next week – yuck. I’m not a big fan of the sugary drink I’ll get to drink. However, it’s another opportunity to hear the baby’s heartbeat. She’s a big kicker and has remarkable aim – she hits my bladder often. She’s really active, which is always kind of nice to get a hello kick from her, especially when she doesn’t like the way I’m sitting or laying. I’m 27 weeks on Sunday, so almost in the final stretch. Once Matt and I get on the ball and take a (cute) picture of me, all pregnant, I’ll post that.

We’re still undecided about names. We need help! We’re down to Leah Elizabeth, Elise Anne, or Taylor Anne. Anyone have a preference??

And…a picture from the last ultrasound:

So lately Lexie and I have had a love affair going on. Now, Lexie and I are a lot alike. A lot. So we have this love/not liking so much relationship. Some days are horrible (as in 3 weeks ago when the tantrums came back full fledged) and then some days are just great (like lately).

Last week Lexie was sick. I don’t know what the deal was – she had a fever with no other symptoms. It didn’t really seem like teething because there were literally no other symptoms. I guess it was just a random virus. Anyway, we laid in bed and watched Chicken Little over and over and over. Oh yeah, we mixed it up with a little Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.  So we bonded. We had nothing to do (well, I worked but Lexie stayed at home) and we just relaxed. And, I felt no guilt about her watching television or eating what she wanted or a rigid bedtime or bedtime routine or that she had to go to sleep by herself. I mean, we didn’t just party all the time but the anxiety and guilt I feel daily about not doing the “right” thing was gone. So we just had fun.

Side note: We got a new mattress last week so the whole family spent about 4 days on our bed, since it is by far the most comfortable place in the house. Heaven.

So the nice, warm-fuzzy feelings have continued over to this week, especially since I picked up a cold over the weekend. We’ll be hanging out and Lexie will just reach over and wrap her arm around me and say, “Oh Mommy.”  It’s just so cute.

So what’s the lesson here? Should I just relax and stop worrying so much about Lexie’s diet and her schedule? (If my husband ever reads this, I’m sure he’ll throw his arms up in the air and shout “Hallelujah!” since he’s been preaching this idea forever.)  I mean, shoving and worrying and constantly bugging Lexie to try new foods has resulted in….nothing. She still won’t try new foods. If it looks foreign to her at all, forget it. (I read somewhere that that is a survival mechanism instinctive for toddlers – they won’t eat anything that doesn’t look familiar to them so that they won’t digest something harmful. Interesting.)  Insisting on an 8 o’clock bedtime results in listening to Lexie yell for Mommy for about 40 minutes. Putting her to bed somewhere between 8:15 and 9 seems much easier on everyone involved. Sheesh. I don’t know.

On another, annoying, depressing note – we’ve put off trying for a baby right now. My usually optimistic, happy husband is now become a realist and dare I say, pessimist about the economy and is scared. I know the responsible thing to do is pay down our debt (our car) as much as possible before adding another person to our household and losing my income for a little while but seriously – do you know how hard that is to explain to my ovaries??  I see a baby and I swear…my body just reacts. I held a 3 month old and an 8 month old over the weekend and it just made me sad and jealous and I wanted to run around saying, “I WANT ONE!” Damn this economy! Another reason to hate George Bush!

And, another depressing note – my uncle who has been battling prostate and throat cancer has now been diagnosed with lung cancer as well. I’m telling you people – don’t freakin smoke!! I don’t know how else to put it. My uncle is going to do another round of chemo and hopefully the spots on his lungs will shrink. We won’t know much for a while. So keep my aunt and him in your thoughts as they enter a really rough time.

And since I have been sick and for some dumb reason, haven’t been going to bed early enough, I’m going to head to bed now (to my awesome, incredible, pillowtop mattress!).

So everyone has their own September 11th story. Mine is very similar to others – fear, shock, stunned. Fortunately, I knew no one in the WTC. We had a few frantic hours of searching for various family members (one cousin sometimes works in NYC, my aunt and uncle were flying to Vegas during everything) but everyone was okay.

That evening, I stayed with Matt and we were just lying in bed. Awake. Unsure. And then we heard a plane fly over. If you remember, all flights (unless military or medical) were grounded after the planes hit on September 11th. And we got scared. We eventually realized it had to have been military but for a minute or so, I was scared. And, I was even more scared because I suddenly realized that no one could truly keep me safe.  That’s a really grown up thought to have. And, a really frightening one.

At night, Lexie and I have started a bedtime routine. Even if Matt reads her books, she calls for Mommy! to come in. I lay next to her, and we say her prayers and then talk about what she did that day and then what we’re doing the next day. And then, we talk about what she’s going to dream about that night (usually something along the lines of cookies, swimming, Mickey, Minnie, etc.). And then I tell her all of friends are asleep in their beds and it’s her turn to go to bed. Most nights, this works very well.

Some nights (like tonight), she needs a little reassurance. I had to go back in and lay next to her and just hold her. And, I know what she wants. She wants me with her because it makes her feel safe and loved and content.

I know what the “experts” say about putting a child to bed. Put them in, say goodnight, and walk out.

But how can I not give that reassurance? In a few short years (hopefully about 12 or 13), I already hurt knowing what she’s going to be saying to me – “Mom, you just don’t understand! You don’t know what’s it like to be young! To be me! You’re so evil. I hate you.” Oh my God.  I want to cherish the years that she’s my biggest fan. That she wants to wind her little arms around my neck and hug as tight as she can.  That all she wants at night is to cuddle with me and say her prayers and hear me sing “You Are My Sunshine.”

In a world that is scary, I want to protect her as much as possible. I want her to feel safe for many many more years.

So I decided we were going to make Christmas cookies this year – make, cut out, decorate, the whole 9 yards. So, I thought maybe we need a trial run (or a million). So I bought the sugar cookie mix and then we had to get some cookie cutters. Did you know that Walmart only sells a box of 101 cookie cutters? Yeah, me neither. But now we are the proud owners of 101 cookie cutters.

So two nights ago we made the cookies. Lexie helped me mix it and then cut out the cookies. I would make this great cookie and then she would go behind me and mess it up. I totally had that thought of “MOM! SHE TOTALLY MESSED IT UP!” Thank goodness I didn’t have any siblings close in age to me.  Anyway, they were okay (Some were a little burnt. Whoops.) and we all enjoyed it.

Tonight was the messy, fun part. We decorated the cookies. Lexie had a blast doing this -

Lexie made a huge mess, of course, but all in all it was a really fun activity and we have a beautiful finished product (that Lexie, of course, won’t eat).

After such a heavy post last time, I thought I would lighten the mood and spill the beans on Lexie’s first day of school.

I was really nervous about her first day of school. At her school, there’s tons of parental involvement and the first day of school, the parents stay with the children. So I just knew what was going to happen – all of these perfect children and Lexie, throwing tantrums. Well, guess what – that’s exactly what happened.

All I can think is that the other children are freaks. What 2 year old doesn’t throw a tantrum or have a hard time when you tell them they have to put down the super cool toy they are playing with and go lay down on a mat? That’s just not right.

Anyway, Lexie was upset when I  expected her to be. She doesn’t do transitions well and she was not about rest time at all. But, other than that, she did really well. She played with all the toys and even shared with the other kids, without any prompting. I was impressed. She loved all the toys and especially liked painting.

We go back on Monday and it’s my day to volunteer and stick around the whole day to help out. Hopefully Lexie will do okay and we’ll have another successful day of school.

A week ago I took a positive pregnancy.  Yesterday I learned my levels weren’t going up as they should and to expect to miscarry within the next few days.

So now I wait.

My OB was really kind about the whole thing. She called me personally and told me what to expect – a heavy period. But my mind was screaming the whole time “IT’S NOT A PERIOD. IT’S A BABY.” In my mind it was already a baby. A baby to be born early May. Maybe the boy Matt so desperately wants. Wearing blue and toddling around.

But it’s not to be. My mind knows this is the right thing. Something was obviously wrong. Miscarriages happen for a reason.  I obviously can carry a baby to full term. It’s just one of those things that happen. A lot. In normal circumstances, if we hadn’t of been trying, I may not even had known I was pregnant.  But my heart hurts. Somehow those messages haven’t made it to my heart.

I knew the whole time something wasn’t right.  Lexie was not a planned baby – she was a surprise and after that first night of “holy shit, what have we done?” we got excited. I was so excited to be pregnant with Lexie. Even through the awful morning sickness, I would caress my belly, feeling good things happening down there. The typical pregnancy symptoms happened – I literally watched my boobs grow to ridiculous sizes.  This time it wasn’t the case. Both Matt and I felt disconnected to this pregnancy. I felt things happening but it just didn’t feel right. I never got the morning sickness I was expecting and my feelings were confirmed from the first call from the doctor. My blood work showed low levels, especially my progesterone. I was put on progesterone supplements, which worried me but not a lot. The same thing happened during my pregnancy with Lexie. But, the doctor’s office wanted me back in 4 days later to get more blood work done. Then the levels looked better but they wanted me back in Thursday for more blood work and that’s when the levels showed little improvement. That signifies something isn’t right.

Dr. James took me off of the progesterone  and I feel as though I’ve pulled the plug on a loved one. The back of my mind keeps thinking “But, what if?” and what if this little baby could survive and by stopping the progesterone, I’m stopping the only chance it has.

I feel very guilty.

I’ve always been prochoice. Sometimes people get this messed up with pro-abortion. I’ve never met anyone who is pro-abortion. I just don’t think anyone should be able to tell anyone else what they can or can’t do with their bodies, especially in extreme cases like incestual rape.  But, abortion has never really felt like a choice to me, not that I’ve ever faced that decision.   Even though I’ve only been pregnant 5 weeks, this mass of cells in my body is a baby in my mind.  By stopping the progesterone, I wonder if I’m committing an abortion on myself.

I’m scared. I’ve heard of heavy cramping that can result in prescriptions for pain medicine. Heavy bleeding. And what if not all of it comes out? What if I have to get a d & c? That’s really scary. What if the mass of cells start multiplying and turn into cancer? (Don’t scoff – it almost happened to my cousin. Luckily they caught it in time.)  It’s just the unknown. And I have to wait. It’s not as though I saw blood and knew. I know before the blood has even started. It’s this sick waiting game.

So I’m looking for a silver lining. Surely there’s one, right? Well, now I can drink at the Domain reunion. Oh joy. I think I’d rather have a baby in 9 months.

So I guess the silver lining is that I have wonderful friends. Wonderful caring friends that haven’t hesitated to call or offer babysitting services. But, I want Lexie near me. I need Lexie near me. I laid down with her for nap yesterday, after getting the news, and just started crying and Lexie reached over, wrapped her little arm around me, and patted my back.  I am so lucky.

I  think the worst part is that I feel as though I have failed. Maybe I’ll get pregnant again really soon and things will work out. My mom had a miscarriage before she got pregnant with me and that worked out well, right? *small grin*

I know deep down things happen for a reason. When I got pregnant with Lexie, it was not when we “planned” but it was the perfect time and we got the perfect baby.  This little baby just wasn’t ready to come yet. I really believe that God knows the right time. Maybe this miscarriage is just an opportunity to appreciate what I have, instead of focusing on what I don’t have.  And when the time is right, I will get pregnant again, and the perfect baby will come along and our family will be complete.  This little baby just gets to go back and wait for the right time.

I’m just trying so hard to be positive.  I think of the poor parents who have a healthy baby and then lose it, at 1 day, 1 year, 18 years, whatever.  I’m lucky that this happened so early and not later on. I really am.

My heart is sad and heavy. But that’s okay. I will grieve for the pregnancy that wasn’t.  And then, later on, I will be happy in the pregnancy that is.

Okay so we all know my precious, precocious, lovable child throws a few major minor, very big deal no big deal tantrums, right? She has her mother’s temper. Well, unfortunately, some poor teacher is going to have to deal with them now.

I’ve enrolled Lexie in  a Parent’s Day Out program.  She starts next Friday.

It’s the type of place I really wanted Lexie in – every early childhood theory and practice I learned in 4 1/2 years at UK, they practice. I like that.

So want to know my biggest fear? I will have “that child” in the classroom that is disruptive, can’t play socially, and gets that roll-their-eyes response from the teachers and parents. How sad is that? I already am projecting my insecurities onto my child.

I wish I could just relax and let her be who she is. I know she won’t be the craziest child they’ve ever met – she’s not even close to the craziest child I’ve ever met. Why do I want the child that blends into the background? Why can’t I support her and admire her spunkiness?

Why? Why? Why?

So, I have a cousin who is Super Mom. You know the type – has 5 children under the age of 12, they don’t watch TV, they eat organically, they take 10 hour car rides and are content to play with a small ring the entire time, they are flexible, they go to bed when they’re supposed to, they aren’t picky eaters, etc, etc. It’s a little bit intimidating, to say the least.

And, I have a nephew who is almost 12 and eats nothing but junk, doesn’t have a bed time, has a TV, computer, multiple gaming systems, a Razr cell phone – all in his room.

So, when I was pregnant Matt and I decided there has to be some middle ground. Surely you can have a child who gets to experience Saturday morning cartoons with Poptarts but yet doesn’t sit in front of the TV all day long and eat Oreos.

Oh, did we ever set ourselves up for it. We ended up with a junk-addicted, tantrum-throwing, TV junkie. And, the you-know-what has hit the fan.

We went on vacation with Super Mom and 4 of her kids (one was at a 2 week camp that is an all encompassing education, naturally) in North Carolina on Lake Toxaway. My cousin was very very generous to invite us down to visit. I knew the weekend was off to a rocky start when Lexie woke up with a fever of 101 the day we were to leave. Not to be deterred (and channeling Super Mom, who never lets anything stop her family) we went on and got on the road. Poor Lexie slept most of the way down, only stopping to throw up french fries. Lovely.

So we had a great excuse for her absolute shitty behavior when we got there – she had a virus. Honestly, Lexie didn’t do much but lay in bed, burning hot, and watch TV.

But, when the fever broke….oh hell, it was ON. Lexie became Evil Child – refusing any food except chips and Oreos (I thought Super Mom was going to faint at this point.) and insisting on watching approximately 23 1/2 hours of television/movies. And, she just threw one tantrum after another.

And, of course, I forgot the sippy cup that Lexie uses to drink milk. (Side note – it took us waaay too long to get Lexie to even accept milk so really, I don’t care how she takes it – I’m thrilled that she does.) Lexie proceeded to ask for milk, refuse when she didn’t see her sippy cup, and CRY. I got a lecture from Super Mom about how she never gets her kids attached to anything, including stuffed animals, blankets, and certain sippy cups because if you forget them, see what happens?!?!  Seriously, highlight of the trip? Not so much.

Right, so mortified at my child and astounded by the Super Kids and their easy going nature, Matt and I made resolutions on the way home. 1 – Cut back on the sugar! 2 – Eat healthier! 3 – Insist on Lexie expanding her dietary choices! 4- Get rid of the milk sippy cup! 5- Cut back TV! 6 – Get Lexie to accept milk at meals! Oh yes, we were on our way to becoming Super Parents.

So, we did do some of those things and guess what – the tantrums have almost gone away with the sugar being cut out. It’s seriously amazing. One day Lexie got some Oreos so she would sit through a haircut and Demon Child returned. I cut out the sugary cereal bars, the cookies, the snacks, etc. And, she was pissed. But, she’s gotten over it.

We also cut back on TV. Now, I have to admit I am lax about this – sometimes TV is the only way I get a moment to myself or manage to get anything done. But, once the TV was turned off, Lexie started to play! She actually started getting toys out and playing.

Seriously, my sweet child has returned.
I never thought I would be “that mom” but I fear I have somewhat.

Don’t worry – we still love our chips and hamburgers, and Lexie still gets her sippy cup of milk. I figure the benefit of the calcium outweighs the sippy cup. Plus, I doubt she’ll be going to high school still drinking out of this sippy cup. If she does, we have bigger fish to fry.

So even though I join the circle of “those moms,” albeit on the outskirts of the circle, I promise to never lecture any mom about their choices because really, it’s none of my business.