Musings of a Mommy

Oh yeah! I rule.

Last night and tonight a church down the street from us has been having a festival (or “party” as Lexie calls it). There’s inflatables, gambling, beer, music, games, and food. All in all a good time.

Last night Matt and I took the girls down and they LOVED it. (Well, Audrey slept most of the time but she loves sleeping so we’ll assume she was happy.) In fact, Lexie attempted to dance to the Cha Cha Slide (for all of your elders out there -basically anyone over 15- it’s the updated version of the Electric Slide). She danced and danced and Matt and I laughed and laughed. It was awesome.

So tonight Mimi and Papaw and I took the girls back. And Lexie had another great time. However, we were there a lot longer tonight and I had to nurse Audrey while we were there.

I approached the information table, hoping the lady would take pity on me and let me go into the church. Uh no. She directed me to the dining tent that’s “practically never used.” Thanks. So I ventured into the tent and there were two preteens gossiping in there. And that was it. It was almost empty. Score! I can nurse.

So I walk to the furthermost corner and get out my Hooter Hider. As I begin to nurse Audrey I notice some serious whispering from the preteens. I hear, “whisper whisper whisper.”  ”What?!?!” “Oh my God, I am so out of here.” And both girls jump up, with a glance at me and run out of the tent.

Oh yes, people, I ran them off. By NURSING. With a wrap.  And I wanted so badly to run after them and yell, “Oh yes girls – Remember – SAFE SEX or you’ll be nursing in public, too!!”

By ya know, Audrey was latched on and running while breastfeeding just isn’t my thing, baby.

*On an unrelated note, Matt’s dad has been diagnosed with a staph infection in his bloodstream and isn’t doing well at all. He’s on a ventilator and had to be resuscitated this morning. He’s had a seizure this afternoon and it’s not looking good. He is responding to pain, which is a good sign. Please keep him your thoughts and prayers.

I need one.

No, not like that! (Well, maybe like that, just don’t tell my husband *giggle giggle*.)

Anywho, I need a professional player. I need someone to come to my house and play with my daughter so I can get stuff done. I need someone who will throw countless softballs right at her bat so she thinks she’s hitting them. I need someone to take her giant stuffed penguin (a.k.a Mumble) and bounce him on her bed or better yet, banish that game to the depths of hell. Her daddy and I would greatly appreciate that.

I need someone to push her for hours on the swing. To count how many times she can jump in a row on the trampoline. To make balls out of playdoh (get your mind out of the gutter). To make scrambled eggs every day so she can “stir it up!”

I know I’m supposed to say something like, “But, the days of playing will be over sooner than I know and I should remember that the house will always need to be cleaned and laundry can wait but the smile on my child’s face is just too precious to miss.” Yeah, okay.

I still don’t want to play softball or play with playdoh.

And this is coming from the previous preschool teacher who got paid to do those things. But see, when you have a group of children, it’s more fun. There’s more conversation and when you’re teaching, there’s an end in sight. I mean, eventually their parents are required by law to come pick them up. At my house, softball could last all damn day. (And let me give a little shout out to Mimi to buying the Curious George ball and bat and then insisting that they stay at our house. Thanks for that.)

So I need someone to come play with my child. I mean, I would totally play, too, but after 15 minutes or so, I could go drink a glass of wine empty the dishwasher, eat an entire package of Oreos make the beds, watch the trashy reality television shows I DVRed from last night or do some laundry.

Anyone want the job?

The pay is in precious smiles on my child’s face.

(Yeah see, that kind of payment doesn’t really cut it, does it?)

So lately Lexie has become my big helper, especially since Audrey came along. She takes items and puts them in the respective rooms (like Audrey’s blankets go to our room to her bassinet), she helps me clean, and she helps me make grocery lists.

Last week I was talking out loud and said, “Lexie, what do we need from the grocery store?” And shockingly, she listened to me and replied, “Goldfish.” Well she was right. She was out of goldfish so that went on the list. I mused out loud, “Anything else?” and she opened the pantry, held up my spaghetti holder and said, “We need this.” And lo and behold, it was empty. And I had forgotten we were out. Thanks Lex! Too bad she sucks to take to the grocery. That’s where I could really use some help.

So Lexie is really shy in big crowds. Like, paralyzed with fear and only able to mutter the same thing over and over, “It’s not scary. I not scared. Mommy’s here. It’s just Mimi (or Leslie, or Daddy, or Papaw, or Ms. Miller, etc.).” over and over and over. It’s heartbreaking. Even when we go to a family function with people she sees multiple times a year and knows really well, she stops at the door and doesn’t want to go in. At school, every morning, she stops at the door and won’t go in without lots of nudging. At the doctor’s office, she stopped this morning and wouldn’t go into the door and it was just because there was a crowd there. (And, when we left, after she got her flu mist without tears, she didn’t want to leave the office. She threw the biggest tantrum when I told her we had to leave. What kid doesn’t want to leave the doctor’s office?? That’s just wrong. You cry when you go into the office, not when you leave. You happily skip out of the office. *sigh* But, I’m completely off subject.)

Anyway, I don’t know what to do with her. Matt and I are both outgoing people. We talk to new people and as kids we were both really outgoing. We don’t know what to do with a shy child. I just hope the older she gets, the better she handles crowds.

And, totally off subject, I just ate some Lays Potato Chips. They actually have a label that says, “Still made with all natural oil.” That means they’re healthy, right? And I can eat more? Thanks, that’s what I thought too.

It really is 5:40 and I’m blogging. I’ve been awake since 4:30. No one else is the house is awake and I can’t sleep. This is not going to be a good day. 

One of the cats woke me up at 4:30 (I hate our cats.) and I couldn’t get back to sleep. I was so hungry that I couldn’t sleep. Plus, I started thinking about Lexie’s (lack of) potty training and that didn’t help me relax enough to go back to sleep. 

So I’m sitting on the couch, watching Roseanne (there’s really nothing on TV at this time), eating Captain Crunch (healthy healthy!) and drinking orange juice straight from the carton. Classy, huh? I’m dreading when Lexie gets up because my day will then start and it’s going to be a rough one, with getting up in the middle of the night.

Matt’s okay. The incision in his belly button (where they repaired his umbilical hernia) is giving him a lot of pain. He’s been unable to do much around the house – he can’t bend over, pick anything heavy up, hold Lexie…Did I mention I’m exhausted?  And it’s only been 5 days? I’m getting up with her in the mornings, watching her all day, putting her down for her naps, doing bathtimes, and putting her down at night. If she wakes up in the middle of the night, I’m there. If one of the cats feels the need to go outside in the middle of the night (hate hate hate them), I’m the one up. I’m the one lifting everything, doing all the housework, cooking…I’m really tired. Okay, my pity party is over. 

So the other reason I couldn’t sleep tonight is because I started thinking of the lack of potty training going on at our house. When we registered Lexie for preschool, I wasn’t concerned. There was 7 months until she started. Plenty of time to potty train. Fast forward 3 months and there is no progress. None. She still will not, under any circumstances, use the potty. If she would just go occasionally in the potty, I think I would have more hope but she won’t. We’ve done a couple of “naked afternoons” where I let her run around without a diaper or underwear on and encourage her to potty. She will go without using the bathroom for 3 hours or so. She just holds it. She’ll sit on the potty, run around, play, sit some more but nothing in the potty. I’m so frustrated. And, I’m starting to panic. 

I see our registration fee floating out the window every day that passes by without any progress. I foresee my mad scramble trying to find another preschool (with another registration fee) that she can go to in diapers. Or, I see Lexie not going to preschool at all in the fall because she’s not potty trained. It is explicitly written out in the contract with Good Shepherd that the child has to be potty trained, and potty trained well,  to attend preschool. They’re not going to make allowances for me. 

I am so frustrated I want to scream. Lexie shows every readiness sign to start training. She understands the concept of a reward. She just won’t go in the potty. She’s not scared. She’ll sit on the big potty and little potty without incident. She is fascinated when I go to the bathroom (when do I get my privacy back?) and can give a play by play of what happens. She role plays with her dolls and stuffed animals with potty training them. I just don’t understand why she won’t go in the potty. 

I see no improvements with potty training and now we’re down to 4 months. 4 months for her to be completely potty trained with little to no accidents. I just don’t know if it’s going to happen. And, I know, I know…it will happen when “she’s ready” and “don’t push it” but that’s easy for other people to say. They’re not on our time table. We have a baby entering this house 6 weeks before Lexie starts preschool. That’s going to be enough upheaval for her. 

I’m just at a loss of what to do. And I’m so frustrated.

And now, of course, I’m getting tired, just in time for Lexie to be awake in an hour or less. 

I hope the day improves.

So I took some time (about 2 1/2 hours) last night and today to download the pictures, upload them to Flickr, and title them. So I’m ready to showcase our life in pictures since January…

Ice Storm

My favorite picture from playing in the snow.

Our Activities During The Ice Storm:

Playing with every toy in the house.

Baking Cookies (and eating Oreos)

Taking Hour Long Baths With Tons Of Toys

And Attempting French Braids and Giving Up A Third Of The Way Down

 In February, Lexie took it upon herself to fix another bowl of cereal. (And yes, she still insists on eating that nasty infant cereal in the mornings, much to our dismay. Oh well, at least it’s nutritious…)

And in March, we enjoyed the few warm days with playground and outside time.

And, so far in April, we’ve been celebrating Easter with dyeing Easter eggs and visiting the Easter Bunny. I don’t have any pics of Lexie dyeing Easter eggs since I was too busy enjoying the activity myself….However, Lexie did enjoy spending soem time with her friend, Leslie’s, little sister Lucy. I’m hoping it’s good practice for when her little sister arrives!

We’ve all been busy, of course. We’ve taken Lexie to Keeneland once this meet (she loves it!) and we’re going tomorrow morning for some kid activities and to see the horses! Easter will bring a cute dress and some family time at Mimi and Papaw’s house.

Matt, unfortunately, has to have his gall bladder removed next Tuesday. The surgery is at 6 am (ouch) so we’ll be up bright and early for that. Thankfully Mimi is keeping Lexie so that’s one less worry.

I have my glucose test next week – yuck. I’m not a big fan of the sugary drink I’ll get to drink. However, it’s another opportunity to hear the baby’s heartbeat. She’s a big kicker and has remarkable aim – she hits my bladder often. She’s really active, which is always kind of nice to get a hello kick from her, especially when she doesn’t like the way I’m sitting or laying. I’m 27 weeks on Sunday, so almost in the final stretch. Once Matt and I get on the ball and take a (cute) picture of me, all pregnant, I’ll post that.

We’re still undecided about names. We need help! We’re down to Leah Elizabeth, Elise Anne, or Taylor Anne. Anyone have a preference??

And…a picture from the last ultrasound:

So lately Lexie and I have had a love affair going on. Now, Lexie and I are a lot alike. A lot. So we have this love/not liking so much relationship. Some days are horrible (as in 3 weeks ago when the tantrums came back full fledged) and then some days are just great (like lately).

Last week Lexie was sick. I don’t know what the deal was – she had a fever with no other symptoms. It didn’t really seem like teething because there were literally no other symptoms. I guess it was just a random virus. Anyway, we laid in bed and watched Chicken Little over and over and over. Oh yeah, we mixed it up with a little Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.  So we bonded. We had nothing to do (well, I worked but Lexie stayed at home) and we just relaxed. And, I felt no guilt about her watching television or eating what she wanted or a rigid bedtime or bedtime routine or that she had to go to sleep by herself. I mean, we didn’t just party all the time but the anxiety and guilt I feel daily about not doing the “right” thing was gone. So we just had fun.

Side note: We got a new mattress last week so the whole family spent about 4 days on our bed, since it is by far the most comfortable place in the house. Heaven.

So the nice, warm-fuzzy feelings have continued over to this week, especially since I picked up a cold over the weekend. We’ll be hanging out and Lexie will just reach over and wrap her arm around me and say, “Oh Mommy.”  It’s just so cute.

So what’s the lesson here? Should I just relax and stop worrying so much about Lexie’s diet and her schedule? (If my husband ever reads this, I’m sure he’ll throw his arms up in the air and shout “Hallelujah!” since he’s been preaching this idea forever.)  I mean, shoving and worrying and constantly bugging Lexie to try new foods has resulted in….nothing. She still won’t try new foods. If it looks foreign to her at all, forget it. (I read somewhere that that is a survival mechanism instinctive for toddlers – they won’t eat anything that doesn’t look familiar to them so that they won’t digest something harmful. Interesting.)  Insisting on an 8 o’clock bedtime results in listening to Lexie yell for Mommy for about 40 minutes. Putting her to bed somewhere between 8:15 and 9 seems much easier on everyone involved. Sheesh. I don’t know.

On another, annoying, depressing note – we’ve put off trying for a baby right now. My usually optimistic, happy husband is now become a realist and dare I say, pessimist about the economy and is scared. I know the responsible thing to do is pay down our debt (our car) as much as possible before adding another person to our household and losing my income for a little while but seriously – do you know how hard that is to explain to my ovaries??  I see a baby and I swear…my body just reacts. I held a 3 month old and an 8 month old over the weekend and it just made me sad and jealous and I wanted to run around saying, “I WANT ONE!” Damn this economy! Another reason to hate George Bush!

And, another depressing note – my uncle who has been battling prostate and throat cancer has now been diagnosed with lung cancer as well. I’m telling you people – don’t freakin smoke!! I don’t know how else to put it. My uncle is going to do another round of chemo and hopefully the spots on his lungs will shrink. We won’t know much for a while. So keep my aunt and him in your thoughts as they enter a really rough time.

And since I have been sick and for some dumb reason, haven’t been going to bed early enough, I’m going to head to bed now (to my awesome, incredible, pillowtop mattress!).

So everyone has their own September 11th story. Mine is very similar to others – fear, shock, stunned. Fortunately, I knew no one in the WTC. We had a few frantic hours of searching for various family members (one cousin sometimes works in NYC, my aunt and uncle were flying to Vegas during everything) but everyone was okay.

That evening, I stayed with Matt and we were just lying in bed. Awake. Unsure. And then we heard a plane fly over. If you remember, all flights (unless military or medical) were grounded after the planes hit on September 11th. And we got scared. We eventually realized it had to have been military but for a minute or so, I was scared. And, I was even more scared because I suddenly realized that no one could truly keep me safe.  That’s a really grown up thought to have. And, a really frightening one.

At night, Lexie and I have started a bedtime routine. Even if Matt reads her books, she calls for Mommy! to come in. I lay next to her, and we say her prayers and then talk about what she did that day and then what we’re doing the next day. And then, we talk about what she’s going to dream about that night (usually something along the lines of cookies, swimming, Mickey, Minnie, etc.). And then I tell her all of friends are asleep in their beds and it’s her turn to go to bed. Most nights, this works very well.

Some nights (like tonight), she needs a little reassurance. I had to go back in and lay next to her and just hold her. And, I know what she wants. She wants me with her because it makes her feel safe and loved and content.

I know what the “experts” say about putting a child to bed. Put them in, say goodnight, and walk out.

But how can I not give that reassurance? In a few short years (hopefully about 12 or 13), I already hurt knowing what she’s going to be saying to me – “Mom, you just don’t understand! You don’t know what’s it like to be young! To be me! You’re so evil. I hate you.” Oh my God.  I want to cherish the years that she’s my biggest fan. That she wants to wind her little arms around my neck and hug as tight as she can.  That all she wants at night is to cuddle with me and say her prayers and hear me sing “You Are My Sunshine.”

In a world that is scary, I want to protect her as much as possible. I want her to feel safe for many many more years.

So a good friend of mine had a baby yesterday (Hi Kara and new baby Lucy!!) and I got to meet her today. Just feeling a newborn in my arms again…I swear it just makes me ovulate. I am a newborn baby junkie. I admit it. I love newborn babies – the smell, the teeny fingers, the little toes, the little whimpers and noises, the stretches, the teeny eyes and noses…sigh. I love it all.

Anyway, to the point of this post.

After I got to hold Lucy (sigh…I love newborns), I was driving home and was thinking about how incredibly lucky and fortunate I am to have mommy friends. Who else would understand why I’m still in my pajamas at 4pm because Lexie’s having a hard day? Who else is always up for a McDonalds run because I can’t face fixing another grilled cheese sandwich? Plus, they can give endless suggestions for teething, sleepless nights, fighting sleep, not eating, picky eating, best clothing sales, the ins and outs of places to visit, and the everso popular hobby in our house – tantrums.

So I cherish these friends. They save my sanity. Would we have been friends if we weren’t mommies of kids the same age? Ehh…I don’t know. Maybe. We have more in common than just our kids but that’s how we met.

I’ve been asked more than once if Kara giving birth has made me sad because of my miscarriage. I think I would be lying if I didn’t admit to thinking today when I was holding Lucy that I wished I was still pregnant and expecting my own newborn. BUT (and this is a big but) that feeling wasn’t strong and was so overshadowed by the fact that I am estatic for the Forston family and soo excited for me because…I get to hold a newborn.   I guess in a remarkably uncharacteristic way, I am actually feeling really positive about getting pregnant again and I really think that I will get pregnant again and will get to deliver another baby in due time.  So no, I’m not sad or jealous. I’m truly doing well and I’m okay. The miscarriage almost seems like a bad dream at this point…

Anyway, I just wanted to take a moment to be incredibly thankful for my mommy friends and since they read this blog, THANKS GUYS!

So I decided we were going to make Christmas cookies this year – make, cut out, decorate, the whole 9 yards. So, I thought maybe we need a trial run (or a million). So I bought the sugar cookie mix and then we had to get some cookie cutters. Did you know that Walmart only sells a box of 101 cookie cutters? Yeah, me neither. But now we are the proud owners of 101 cookie cutters.

So two nights ago we made the cookies. Lexie helped me mix it and then cut out the cookies. I would make this great cookie and then she would go behind me and mess it up. I totally had that thought of “MOM! SHE TOTALLY MESSED IT UP!” Thank goodness I didn’t have any siblings close in age to me.  Anyway, they were okay (Some were a little burnt. Whoops.) and we all enjoyed it.

Tonight was the messy, fun part. We decorated the cookies. Lexie had a blast doing this -

Lexie made a huge mess, of course, but all in all it was a really fun activity and we have a beautiful finished product (that Lexie, of course, won’t eat).

After such a heavy post last time, I thought I would lighten the mood and spill the beans on Lexie’s first day of school.

I was really nervous about her first day of school. At her school, there’s tons of parental involvement and the first day of school, the parents stay with the children. So I just knew what was going to happen – all of these perfect children and Lexie, throwing tantrums. Well, guess what – that’s exactly what happened.

All I can think is that the other children are freaks. What 2 year old doesn’t throw a tantrum or have a hard time when you tell them they have to put down the super cool toy they are playing with and go lay down on a mat? That’s just not right.

Anyway, Lexie was upset when I  expected her to be. She doesn’t do transitions well and she was not about rest time at all. But, other than that, she did really well. She played with all the toys and even shared with the other kids, without any prompting. I was impressed. She loved all the toys and especially liked painting.

We go back on Monday and it’s my day to volunteer and stick around the whole day to help out. Hopefully Lexie will do okay and we’ll have another successful day of school.