Musings of a Mommy

So yeah – two months….what’s new? It’s been a while….

Quick update in pics:

October:

We went to the Orchard. A lot.

Yeah, yeah. It’s a pumpkin. Can I get up now?

My girls became friends.

Audrey was baptized. Yea God!  She was the perfect angel through the entire service. Lexie was well behaved, too.

For Halloween, we had two pretty kitties.

And when the weather was too warm, we had a twinkling Tinkerbell.

In November, we traveled to the Red River Gorge with Matt’s cousins, Jen and Mark and their two boys, Talmadge and Raleigh.

Audrey was very unimpressed.

We ventured to the Cincinnati Zoo.

Audrey, once again, was unimpressed but managed to give a grin.

Lexie played in the leaves.

She tried to breastfeed Audrey, God help us. Audrey, needless to say, was having none of it.

And, Audrey was just really cute.

Thanksgiving was great – good food, good conversation, well-behaved little girls. Lexie (being my picky eater) felt that strawberries made for a great dinner and even better, use a serving spoon to eat them.

We got to visit with our friends, the Wassermans and Ezrines. Lexie loved feeding the horses with Yaakov and I’m sure Audrey loved drooling with baby Avi.

December:  So BUSY!

We saw Santa.

We went to the Christmas tree lighting in downtown Lexington.

Lexie loved the UK Santa hat (that’s our girl!).

Audrey got really into eating – she loves everything we’ve ever given her. She had bites of hashbrown casserole this morning. Loved it!

We decorated a gingerbread house.

And had a photo shoot under the Christmas tree.

And tried to have a tutu photo shoot that rapidly fell apart. (Audrey was too busy either watching TV or eating the tutu to participate.)

I haven’t gotten Christmas photos off of the camera yet but they’ll be up soon, I promise. Lexie had a GREAT Christmas and loved that Santa managed to remember to get her the Handy Manny Toolbench!

So an update in photos! I promise I’ll try to do better in posting….

Matt’s dad passed on last Tuesday.

Death is a scary thing. It’s the unknown, the fact that life is something so fragile and something we all take for granted. Life can be gone in a second. Death is imminent, we all know that, but we all think that we will live a long and fulfilled life and when it is our time, we will be ready. That’s not always the case. It’s scary.

Matt and his family are devastated. Such an unexpected and tragic week.

The bright spot is that Matt and I are reminded once again how fortunate we are in life. We have our health, we have two beautiful, healthy girls, a wonderful family and amazing friends. The offers have been pouring in, everything from food to flowers to babysitting to housesitting. Matt’s work has been amazing, too. His coworkers are putting in extra effort to cover for him so he doesn’t have to worry about that. And, that, in itself is a gift for him. There are people I haven’t talked to in years texting, emailing, messaging, calling – asking what can they do and to express their condolences. And, it’s amazing. And it means so much.

And as I tell everyone, there’s nothing really to do right now. There aren’t really any arrangements yet. Rick is being cremated so the family doesn’t have a time constraint to work within. They can grieve and choose to do whatever they feel is appropriate and perfect.

On my end, there’s nothing I can do right now. I hurt that I can’t be with my husband during this time. I’m ready for him to come home so I can give him a hug and see him. He left abruptly to go see him dad who was sick in the hospital and is coming home from a battle that was lost. He’ll be changed forever. He’s not the type to be emotional and I don’t think I’ve ever really seen him cry. I don’t know if he’ll come home needing an ear to talk or a shoulder to cry on or if he’ll come home talked and cried out. I just don’t know.

I am exhausted. Not only am I not grieving yet because it just doesn’t feel real but I’m unable to even really think or process it. I have so much respect for single parents. I seem to only be able to think about the next hour – feed Audrey, dress Lexie, shower, change Audrey’s diaper, breakfast, backpack…and on it goes until the chaotic times of bedtime and finally I can relax once both girls are asleep. But then my anxiety starts. I hate hate hate staying by myself. Every sound is magnified and I never really get into a deep sleep.

Thankfully Matt is coming home tomorrow. Lexie has been distraught missing her daddy and I need Matt home. I miss him so much.

Growing up failing was not an option in my family. There was no, “Well honey you tried your best and that’s all that matters.” Hell no, in my house it was, “And why was this B not an A?”

(Now I have to interject and say that this all came from my father. Mom always had my back.)

Talk about pressure. My dad and I didn’t have a great relationship but that’s another story for another time and a year’s worth of therapy. I wanted to take French in middle school and high school. I thought it would prepare me for when I backpacked through Europe. (It might still happen….)But Daddy felt that Spanish was more appropriate since “All them Mexicans keep comin’ over here.”  So, bueno. Yo hablo espanol.

I can count on one hand the assignments and tests I failed throughout all of my schooling (including college). I can remember in 1st grade, I didn’t finish my schoolwork during the allotted time (I was probably talking to my friends instead. Shocking, I know.). So my teacher stapled my schoolwork together with a cover sheet that had a sad clown with a black eye on it. So traumatizing and a little weird. Well, I completely lost it. Hysterical crying. I mean, all I had to do was take it home and finish it. No biggie, but I was upset because I messed up.

This pressure has stayed with me my entire life and it’s something I’m trying to come to grips with. In fact, I try very little new things because I’m scared I won’t do them right.

After Lexie was born and it became very apparent that we needed extra money, I started studying medical transcription. Well, I sucked at it. Big time. I hated the medical terminology, the repetition, and the stupid doctors with accents. It was horrible. But, I kept studying it because I could not fail.

Well, when it came time to take the final exam for the course, I failed it. Shocker! And to this day, I hate to talk about that course, I get embarrassed and my heart sinks and my stomach hurts.

Why is it such a big deal to fail? I mean, you try some things, you do well sometimes and sometimes it’s just not your thing. I hope one day, I can learn that.

And I make sure to tell my kids all the time, “It’s okay honey. You tried your best and that’s all that matters. You don’t have to be perfect. Just have fun and try.”

Oh yeah! I rule.

Last night and tonight a church down the street from us has been having a festival (or “party” as Lexie calls it). There’s inflatables, gambling, beer, music, games, and food. All in all a good time.

Last night Matt and I took the girls down and they LOVED it. (Well, Audrey slept most of the time but she loves sleeping so we’ll assume she was happy.) In fact, Lexie attempted to dance to the Cha Cha Slide (for all of your elders out there -basically anyone over 15- it’s the updated version of the Electric Slide). She danced and danced and Matt and I laughed and laughed. It was awesome.

So tonight Mimi and Papaw and I took the girls back. And Lexie had another great time. However, we were there a lot longer tonight and I had to nurse Audrey while we were there.

I approached the information table, hoping the lady would take pity on me and let me go into the church. Uh no. She directed me to the dining tent that’s “practically never used.” Thanks. So I ventured into the tent and there were two preteens gossiping in there. And that was it. It was almost empty. Score! I can nurse.

So I walk to the furthermost corner and get out my Hooter Hider. As I begin to nurse Audrey I notice some serious whispering from the preteens. I hear, “whisper whisper whisper.”  ”What?!?!” “Oh my God, I am so out of here.” And both girls jump up, with a glance at me and run out of the tent.

Oh yes, people, I ran them off. By NURSING. With a wrap.  And I wanted so badly to run after them and yell, “Oh yes girls – Remember – SAFE SEX or you’ll be nursing in public, too!!”

By ya know, Audrey was latched on and running while breastfeeding just isn’t my thing, baby.

*On an unrelated note, Matt’s dad has been diagnosed with a staph infection in his bloodstream and isn’t doing well at all. He’s on a ventilator and had to be resuscitated this morning. He’s had a seizure this afternoon and it’s not looking good. He is responding to pain, which is a good sign. Please keep him your thoughts and prayers.

So my mom and I were shopping at The Mall (Capitalized because where I’m from, there’s only The Mall. Everyone calls it by that name instead of by it’s true name. Go figure.) right after Audrey was born. (And if her pediatrician reads this, we totally waited the 6 weeks you told us to. Uh huh. And pigs were flying.)

So this older lady stopped us in the store and lo and behold, my mom knew her. (My mom is a totally southern lady who can usually play 6 degrees of separation with everyone she encounters. It’s not odd for her first question to a stranger, after learning their name is, “So are you from the so and so’s from such and such?” And usually , they are. And my mom somehow went to high school with their neighbor’s brother’s friend’s uncle and now they say hi at Krogers.)

Now, let me give you a visual of this woman. She was in her 60’s. She had some serious makeup going on. It’s was jarring. She had pounds of jewelry on. It was blinding.

She exclaimed over Audrey and I preened like a proud mama.

And then she said, “You know, I  bought my granddaughter a bracelet when she was born. A little one. And she wore it from practically day one. And as she got older, I kept getting her bigger ones and now she loves to wear jewelry. You gotta start them early so they get used to it.”

Uh, what? My 6 week old (ahem…2 week old….stop judging!) needed some bling?

And she continued, looking at my mom, “You can get those baby bracelets at that store? Down by the food court? You know, they engrave things? You should really get her one so she likes to wear jewelry. You gotta start them early.”

I think I stared. And walked away. What a freak, I thought.

And then I turned to my mom (a.k.a. Mimi) and said, “Don’t you dare buy her baby bracelets so we can force them on her so she’ll like to wear jewelry one day.”

And Mimi sheepishly said, “Okay.”

I’m still waiting for Audrey to have a bracelet magically appear on her wrist.

I need one.

No, not like that! (Well, maybe like that, just don’t tell my husband *giggle giggle*.)

Anywho, I need a professional player. I need someone to come to my house and play with my daughter so I can get stuff done. I need someone who will throw countless softballs right at her bat so she thinks she’s hitting them. I need someone to take her giant stuffed penguin (a.k.a Mumble) and bounce him on her bed or better yet, banish that game to the depths of hell. Her daddy and I would greatly appreciate that.

I need someone to push her for hours on the swing. To count how many times she can jump in a row on the trampoline. To make balls out of playdoh (get your mind out of the gutter). To make scrambled eggs every day so she can “stir it up!”

I know I’m supposed to say something like, “But, the days of playing will be over sooner than I know and I should remember that the house will always need to be cleaned and laundry can wait but the smile on my child’s face is just too precious to miss.” Yeah, okay.

I still don’t want to play softball or play with playdoh.

And this is coming from the previous preschool teacher who got paid to do those things. But see, when you have a group of children, it’s more fun. There’s more conversation and when you’re teaching, there’s an end in sight. I mean, eventually their parents are required by law to come pick them up. At my house, softball could last all damn day. (And let me give a little shout out to Mimi to buying the Curious George ball and bat and then insisting that they stay at our house. Thanks for that.)

So I need someone to come play with my child. I mean, I would totally play, too, but after 15 minutes or so, I could go drink a glass of wine empty the dishwasher, eat an entire package of Oreos make the beds, watch the trashy reality television shows I DVRed from last night or do some laundry.

Anyone want the job?

The pay is in precious smiles on my child’s face.

(Yeah see, that kind of payment doesn’t really cut it, does it?)

So lately Lexie has become my big helper, especially since Audrey came along. She takes items and puts them in the respective rooms (like Audrey’s blankets go to our room to her bassinet), she helps me clean, and she helps me make grocery lists.

Last week I was talking out loud and said, “Lexie, what do we need from the grocery store?” And shockingly, she listened to me and replied, “Goldfish.” Well she was right. She was out of goldfish so that went on the list. I mused out loud, “Anything else?” and she opened the pantry, held up my spaghetti holder and said, “We need this.” And lo and behold, it was empty. And I had forgotten we were out. Thanks Lex! Too bad she sucks to take to the grocery. That’s where I could really use some help.

So Lexie is really shy in big crowds. Like, paralyzed with fear and only able to mutter the same thing over and over, “It’s not scary. I not scared. Mommy’s here. It’s just Mimi (or Leslie, or Daddy, or Papaw, or Ms. Miller, etc.).” over and over and over. It’s heartbreaking. Even when we go to a family function with people she sees multiple times a year and knows really well, she stops at the door and doesn’t want to go in. At school, every morning, she stops at the door and won’t go in without lots of nudging. At the doctor’s office, she stopped this morning and wouldn’t go into the door and it was just because there was a crowd there. (And, when we left, after she got her flu mist without tears, she didn’t want to leave the office. She threw the biggest tantrum when I told her we had to leave. What kid doesn’t want to leave the doctor’s office?? That’s just wrong. You cry when you go into the office, not when you leave. You happily skip out of the office. *sigh* But, I’m completely off subject.)

Anyway, I don’t know what to do with her. Matt and I are both outgoing people. We talk to new people and as kids we were both really outgoing. We don’t know what to do with a shy child. I just hope the older she gets, the better she handles crowds.

And, totally off subject, I just ate some Lays Potato Chips. They actually have a label that says, “Still made with all natural oil.” That means they’re healthy, right? And I can eat more? Thanks, that’s what I thought too.

Dear Sleep,

Hey, how’s it hangin? I haven’t seen much of you lately. I miss you.

Remember how tight we were in high school and college? Gosh, those were the days. We would hang out for hours at a time – uninterrupted hours! Hey, thanks for helping me with all those hangovers, too. I mean, we had our outs. Remember the Great Insomnia of sophomore year in college? That was bad. But, we had some counseling (read – sleeping pills) and it all worked out. We made it through those tough times.

When I got into the real world and had to get up at 6, I sacrificed some of our together time, I admit it. I put you on the back burner so I could watch “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart” but every weekend we would start anew and catch up, just like old times. And it was wonderful. You were a love of my life.

Once Lexie arrived, we parted ways briefly. I went through some tough times to get you back. Our relationship struggled and outside forces (ahem…LEXIE) tried to come between us but I wouldn’t let it happen. No sir. I loved you too much.

You were my constant during my pregnancy with Audrey. You hung around a lot, especially every afternoon from 3 to 4 pm. We spent lots of time together because we both knew our time was coming to an end.

And now it has. Like I said, I miss you. I dream about you, as I sleepwalk through my day. But don’t worry, our lovefest isn’t over yet. I promise we will be back together.

I’ll just turn Audrey over to Daddy, too.

‘Til then my love,

April

Thought I would say this phrase –

“We do not hang panties on doorknobs.”

And, sign me up for parent of the year for using this phrase tonight:

“Honey, finish your hotdog so you can have an Oreo for dessert.”

SCORE!

So reading that last blog post makes me feel insane. Life was waay insane at that point. I mean, it’s still crazy but so much better. Lexie’s dance class was canceled due to lack of students and she and Leslie moved into another one. It has about 10 little girls in it and Lexie LOVES it. She wants to go to dance class every day. Every day. In fact, she was always so confused as to when we were going where, I made her a calendar (hello Early Childhood Education major!). It has pictures of all of the activities we do and on which days. (Mental note: Take a picture to post.) Anyway, it’s been great. We talk about what we’re doing on a particular day and she can see what’s coming up when.

So sleep. Well, Audrey has started to sleep wonderfully (knock on wood). She goes to bed about 7/7:30 and then eats once before I go to bed (about 10 or 11) and then again at 3am and then again at 7. Can’t complain about that. I feel so much better when I can get more sleep. Lexie, on the other hand, stopped sleeping. We let her give up her nap a couple of months ago. She would nap and then refuse to go to sleep until 10ish and then be tired the next day and the cycle would go on and on and on. So when she doesn’t nap, she has a “quiet time” that consists of her watching a movie in bed and then she goes to bed between 7:30 and 8. So both kids are usually in bed by 8. I LOVE THAT. I’m not going to lie. The best part of the day is when Mommy can kick back with a glass of wine and play on my iPhone. Keeping it classy folks.

So on to the main point of writing this post. We have had the most insane day EVER. We ventured back to church last week for the first time since Audrey was born. Well, taking one to church was wild – two is seriously insane. So today. *sigh*

Lexie is potty trained. I can say that now because she wears panties when we go out and doesn’t have accidents. FABULOUS. Anyway, today at church I remembered to throw in some extra clothes for Lexie, JUST IN CASE, as we go to church. So Lexie heads off to Children’s Chapel (apparently this is a place that some martyr of a volunteer takes all the kids to and has a mini church service with a lot of “shh”ing and “SIT DOWN” ing.). Matt took Lexie today…and never returned. The report I got went something like this, *clenched teeth* “She. was. awful. Whined. The. Whole. Time.” So the actual service kind of sucked for Matt. Then we headed to Sunday School after a potty break. Quick drop off of Lexie and then I had to go feed Audrey. I ventured down a dark hallway into a dark classroom and breastfed Audrey. She ate and then I went back to our Sunday School class. Matt saved me a seat – across the room. I had to step over all of these people wielding a diaper bag and a 2 month old. GREAT. I sit down and Audrey begins making bad sounds. Sounds that mean a poopy diaper is in the future. Sure enough she poops. Everywhere. Up her back, down her bottom. EVERYWHERE PEOPLE. Matt goes to change her and I’m handed back a naked baby. Did Mommy happen to throw in a second outfit for Audrey? ‘Course not. Did Daddy think that maybe Audrey could, in a pinch, wear Lexie’s t-shirt? Nope. And then Audrey began to fuss so for the third time my family disrupted Sunday School. I took Audrey out and just gave up. *double sigh* Hopefully church will get easier. Pray for us.

And in a funnier story (or two), Lexie and I had a “date” to go shopping at Kohls today. Before we left, I was pumping (Blegh) and Lexie’s face was practically in my boobs. I begged her to please go potty before we left while thinking, “WILL SOMEONE IN THIS HOUSE PLEASE NOT BE FASCINATED BY MY BOOBS!”  FINALLY she did. So we’re practically running out the door and Lexie climbs up in her carseat and says, “Mommy, we get panties later.” Uh, WHAT? I put my hand under her dress and GASP – SHE HAS NO PANTIES ON. Her dress hid the evidence. Jesus Mary and Joseph – she’s going to give me gray hair. I call Matt, ask him to meet me in the kitchen with said panties. *triple sigh*

And last night we took the girls to Oktoberfest at Christ The King. Lexie referred to it as a “party” because it had inflatable equipment, which as we all know, is the requirement for all parties. She had a blast and today as we got to church, she sighed and said, “I love parties.”  Our little party animal.

And earlier this week, Lexie went in our room when Audrey woke up to “say hi!” A couple of minutes later, things are too quiet so I go to check it out. Lexie is standing outside our room with the door shut. “We get Audrey later Mommy.” I go to open the door and it’s locked. Lexie locked her sister in our bedroom. GRAY HAIRS PEOPLE. Gray hairs…